What Does Christmas Mean To You?

Christmas means a lot of different things to different people. For some it's about family, others about presents, traditions, snow. Everyone has a vague idea of what Christmas is about, what it stands for, why it is important. I don't think that anybody's reason is wrong, but I do think it's something each of us should think about and know about ourselves.

My thoughts on Christmas have changed quite a bit over time. Growing up one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I did not celebrate Christmas. I remember driving through neighborhoods, envious of the pretty lights, the gorgeous Christmas trees in front windows, fun, inflatable Santas and snowmen. I remember my parents complaining about listening to Christmas music in the stores, the lines, the "bell ringers" out front. It was awkward knowing what to say when wished a Merry Christmas. I could not return in kind, but did not want to be rude. And of course I had to be coached on what to say if someone asked what I wanted for Christmas, what I got for Christmas, etc. A whole lot of effort went into not celebrating Christmas.

After I stopped being a practicing Jehovah's Witness, I must admit that Christmas was about the presents. Hey, it was a new thing for me. And the decorations. I bought boxes and boxes of ornaments that first year, not really knowing how to decorate a tree, and endured a little ribbing from my husband. It was fun. I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect. Things didn't go exactly the way I wanted them to, but looking back it was perfect because it was ours.

This will be my fourth Christmas. And now Christmas is more about spending time with my husband. We are such busy people and we're both looking forward to being our family - each other. We're building our own little traditions. Of course I'm still into the presents! But I've found what is really important about the holidays. It's our family. Our little family of two that will hopefully one day be a bigger family. The stores and the traffic and all that don't really matter. Happy time together matters. And that's what Christmas means to me.

It's All Okay

I am someone who is very hard on myself. I think that, really, most people are hard on themselves. It could be childhood/parental issues (such as in my case), peer issues, or just the kind of issues that the person came with. Everything has to be perfect and then, wouldn't you know it, it's just not good enough. I never try hard enough, I always quit, I start things I don't finish, my house isn't clean enough, the dinner wasn't good enough, the presentation wasn't pretty enough, I'm not skinny/pretty enough, blah blah blah. You know the drill. It's nothing knew. Thankfully (or perhaps unfortunately), I am not unique. Yes, I constantly have those voices running through my head. And yes, I sometimes answer them (don't you judge me! You answer them too).

As a general rule I handle these issues in some fashion, usually bottling them up inside, and then at some point I break. I used to freak out on a very frequent (almost daily) basis, but I've gotten better. Sometimes, though, I just feel too overwhelmed and nothing is going to help except a good cry and cuddle from my husband. And then he says the sweetest things and I feel better. Last night was one of those times I was freaking out. I think about not working out. And then it branched off into other things, as these things do, and it just kept going. All the things I start and don't finish (like the blanket I started to crochet about two years ago), or the book(s) I'm the process of reading, or blogging. Whatever.

He reminded me that growing up I was very sheltered. I was homeschooled and my life revolved around my religion and I didn't really get to have hobbies. So at this point in my life, it's ok for me to try lots of things. It's ok for me to dabble and then leave it alone and then come back to it and so forth. It's ok for my hobbies to be video game playing and TV watching and comic book reading and blog reading. (Yes, I am super-nerdy.) And I felt tremendously better. In fact, I still feel better. All of the things I do, I do because I want to. I'm allowed to do random things and it's ok because I'm still a responsible adult. I have to say, I have a renewed sense of peace with myself.

And, for the record, the husband also tells me that I'm beautiful and a good cook and a great housekeeper even though I'm not the housekeeper and so forth. I tell him he just says those things so he can sleep with me. :-P